I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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