I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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