it's not cheating when I paid for it
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
