does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
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