we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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