its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
