Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
