Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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