I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
