I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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