i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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