I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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