new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
