Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
