I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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