I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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