I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
