We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
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