Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize