Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
