I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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