She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
