Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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