I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
How's work?
Spinning.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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