tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Couch. On fire.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
