did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
