Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
