what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
