Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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