I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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