I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
