the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
