my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Randomize
