I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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