Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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