My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
