i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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