So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
