It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
