guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
