you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
