dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
