Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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