I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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