Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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