please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
