I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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