How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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