I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
