She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
