My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
