my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
