so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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